TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Staff members Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Verified by a Camouflaged Sommelier and Four Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were being a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight at the rear of Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxurious real estate calamity released by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Of course, the man who put casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Image catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town historically known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared by using a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed through the putting inexperienced inside Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We've experienced attractive ceasefires in Syria. A few of the best. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome towards the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-confused, majestic, and solely outside of put. Designed by Slovenian agency Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A 3-ground Casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses described blended reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable drinking water. But Indeed, guaranteed, let us have another location in which American Gentlemen can don robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains in addition to a pillow menu, of course."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. overseas plan analysts are calling this quite possibly the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's system is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal contains "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration in between rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, entire with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is certainly soft ability," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television, wielding a deal as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO would not. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar updates."



What the Critics Are Screaming


Global watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms put in in each unit. The UN Special Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity observed, "It's actually not that Trump shouldn't open up a tower inside of a war zone. It is really that he should halt using it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned concerning the undertaking, replied, "You recognize, male, I as soon as rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent men and women. Good tan. In any case, do I even now have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "future proof storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory of the Levant."



Satellite Shots Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping sorts an enormous Trump head noticeable from space, a attribute getting marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is created from refugee tents and also the chin is… perfectly, labeled.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits following getting the constructing's gold plating reflected a great deal Trump Tower Damascus of sunlight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is really not only ugly. It's a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Complicated Options


Perhaps the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium where friends may well ponder obscure disappointment




  • A reproduction of her Slovenian bedroom, entire with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-calendar year-aged Ahmad, pointing into a holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Method: "For those who Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The ad campaign, lately leaked by way of the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A person poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxurious is Endlessly."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee outlets:


"A Tower So Massive, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Community reception is wildly divided. A latest SnapPoll carried out within a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this could escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% stated "where's the closest elevator to your West Lender?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The undertaking is currently attracting attention from Global buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights to be a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll buy 3 penthouses "just to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's business level will likely involve:




  • A Greenback Store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Topic Park Identified as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Remark Segment Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb posting about the unveiling, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Won't be able to hold out to check out a marriage in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades rather than rice."


Consumer @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort the place my PTSD may have change-down provider."


Yet another submit from @KuwaitiKardashian basically requested:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Result


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reports counsel:




  • China may well open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is organizing a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to develop a Tesla showroom on the Golan Heights driven by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has supplied to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the very best ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Ultimate Thoughts within the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In a very closing ceremony that involved 3 camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan offering a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus desired hope. It necessary gold. It desired a waterslide shaped much like the Structure. I gave everything three. You are welcome."

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